How to not take things personally in dating

The dating process has the big time potential to make us judge ourselves. There are those beautiful, blissful times when your funnel is full of quality men and dates just seem to effortlessly flow and line up with little effort on your part. But then there are those other not so magical times when…

He approaches you on an app and after some good back and forth conversation, he just falls off… you’re left feeling confused 

You had a few great quality dates with him and you felt a connection, but out of the blue you stop hearing from him… you’re left feeling ghosted

You had a few dates with him and were hoping for that connection but he later texts you and lets you know he just isn’t feeling it and wishes you the best… you’re left feeling rejected

But here’s the thing: What happens during dating isn’t always all about us. We at The Manfunnel love you very much and you are so important… but please realize that there are so many other circumstances and factors that come into play while dating. When something doesn’t work out with a man we automatically go to that place where we blame ourselves. “I wasn’t enough of this or that…” “It will never work out for me because I always do that…” “I was too much for him… I showed too much of this…”

We automatically put a meaning to whatever happened (a negative meaning). We judge ourselves and make whatever didn’t work out or whatever didn’t go as expected to mean something bad about ourselves.

In doing this, we don’t realize it but we are forming beliefs about ourselves. A belief is a thought you think over and over and over again. At some point along the way, it turns into a true belief, instead of just a passing thought. The more a belief becomes ingrained in your psyche, the more blocks you create for yourself. And, the more you will experience this belief in your physical reality because you’ve made it true for you. 

In order to prevent these beliefs from running your life, you can’t allow yourself to take things personal in dating. 

Dating is a very personal experience, so how do you not take it personal when things don’t work out the way you want them to?

Two words: Self-inquiry. 

Step #1:

Pay attention to the thoughts that enter your mind.

Step #2:

Inquire with a set of questions about each thought. 

This is something I learned from Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What Is.” 

Katie talks about questioning yourself on a deeper level each time you have a thought that does not serve you. I believe the goal she wants people to achieve is mentally getting to the place where they are no longer so certain that their thought must be the truth, and ultimately setting themselves and their minds free from the thought that is holding them captive and keeping them unhappy.

Here are the questions she uses for self inquiry:

1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know it is true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

Here is an example:

You have several good dates with a quality man. For the last few weeks, you’ve normally been hearing from him about everyday or every other day and things are going well. One day you don’t hear from him, and same thing the next day. Almost a week goes by that you haven’t heard from him. Your thought process is, “I guess it’s over. If he was still interested, I would have heard from him by now. I probably overwhelmed him with all the things I was talking about on our last date. Ugh, why does this always happen?? I’m too much… I have to remember next time I start dating someone to hold back… or else I’ll just keep driving men away!”

First you would ask yourself, “Is it true that I drove him away with my personality? Is it true that it’s over and he has totally lost interest in me and moved on?”

Your mind will try to fight you and tell you, yes, it’s true, he hasn’t texted! 

So you go deeper. “Can I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is true?” Unless this is what he has specifically told you, then no, you just can’t. 

Continue to inquire. “How do I react when I think that thought?” Gain awareness around how the thought makes you feel. Bad? Sad? Frustrated? Is my reaction going to be giving up on dating? Or will I just start to hide who I am in dating? Then remember that it is just a thought and thoughts are nothing until YOU make them something.

Continue to inquire. “Who would I be without the thought?” If this thought was literally unable to enter your mind, who would you be in this same exact scenario? How would this change how you react or what you would do next?

Self-inquiry helps you go deeper and look at and really think about the passing thoughts that easily come and go as they please. In doing this it helps you take on a new perspective around whatever situation you’re in. When you get really good at self inquiry, some of those thoughts might even start to become funny to you (or at least that’s what I have experienced!) because you realize how ridiculous they are. It’s a natural human tendency for your mind to go to the absolute worst scenario. 

We would love to hear how practicing self inquiry helps you take dating less personally!